At the root of the conversation about the legalization of gay marriage in California is the question "what is the definition of 'marriage'?"

Some say that marriage is a religious institution, ordained by the Bible as the joining of one man and one woman. Others say that marriage is a civil institution—a voluntary joining of lives by which people assume shared responsibility for their lives and property. Which is correct?

Every minister has to determine for ourselves what "marriage" is, because at some point in our ministry, we'll be asked to officiate weddings outside of our own tradition. The very first wedding at which I was asked to officiate was between a secular Jew and an agnostic. They wanted me to guide them through a self-created ritual that honored their beliefs, and after which they would know themselves to be married. I am a Christian—a Presbyterian Christian—with my own sense of what a "proper" marriage ceremony looks like. Should I say "yes," "no," or "yes, under these conditions?"

I said "yes." I decided that as a Presbyterian minister, if someone in my congregation asks me to officiate a wedding, I am within my bounds to ask that they participate in the rituals of my tradition. But as an officiant, I am licensed by the state to legalize marriage commitments, so I am free to say "yes" or "no," but if I accept, I do not have the right to tell a couple outside of my tradition what a "proper" marriage looks like.

At the root of my decision to say "yes," however, was my decision--made after much prayer—that God has not ordained a single form marriage. As long as couples from radically different faith backgrounds and life situations fall in love and decide to share their lives in marriage, their weddings will be as unique as the couples who enter into them.

So while I don't believe that any religion "owns" or has the right to define marriage for a whole society, I also believe that religion—more specifically, faith—is essential to a good marriage. Marriage is a leap into mystery. It is a commitment to an "Other" that we never fully understand--least of all on the wedding day itself, when that commitment is first made.  Marriage is a holy mystery. It is exploring an undiscovered country, it is trusting someone after they've hurt you, it is a daily choice, a pouring-out of oneself. Marriage is held together by a combination of fierce pursuit and gentle yielding. These are all lessons and practices that any relationship with God teaches us to value.

Marriage does not belong to a religious tradition. But its messiness and difficulty are overwhelming without the wisdom that faith brings. I am encouraged that state courts are recognizing that a conservative definition of marriage is not normative for our whole society.

But the greater—and more complicated—issue for marriage apart from whether gays and lesbians should marry is "what makes a marriage work?" It is my experience that a grounding by both partners in the depth of a loving, forgiving faith is an essential place to begin.