A recent Sunday Men's Brunch we discussed forgiveness. In fact we started our discussion and will continue it with Forgiveness, Part 2 for our May 17 brunch. To look at forgiveness, first it is important to see what it is not. It is not condoning, overlooking, brushing aside, weakness, or unconditional love. At the same time Jesus instructs us to forgive 70 times 7, which is a symbolic way of saying that we are to live the forgiveness mood. This is hard work.

To really forgive within the context of a relationship requires:

1. A deep sense of empathy. To forgive someone requires that we understand and feel what the other person was experiencing when the hurt was committed. The hurt is often experienced as an attack or aggressive behavior toward us, when it fact it is often defensive or protective behavior on the part of the other person... lashing out toward me when he is feeling threatened. When I can understand the feeling of fear and threat, I can forgive.

2. Taking responsibility for my own negative feelings or psychological dark side. In other words, whenever someone behaves badly toward me, it is important to realize that I have the capacity for that same behavior. It levels the playing field. Takes away my self righteous arrogance. I can then forgive.

3. Time. If a relationship is broken, an affair for example, and there is a desire to put it back together, it takes hard work. The primary trust has been broken. The primary trust is often a naive trust. Never imagined that it would be broken. Now it is a matter of learning to trust at a deeper level... to trust you with the full knowledge that you can betray me. This is hard work on both sides.

Jesus said to forgive 70 times 7... the forgiving mood. I know I can't do that. I try. I am doing better. I want to keep growing. I do know that the more forgiving I am, I feel more free, and am able to be more loving. But there is still a long way to go.