Do not judge, so that you may not be judged. For with the judgment you make you will be judged, and the measure you give will be the measure you get. Why do you see the speck in your neighbor’s eye, but do not notice the log in your own eye? Or how can you say to your neighbor, “Let me take the speck out of your eye”, while the log is in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye. Do not give what is holy to dogs; and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under foot and turn and maul you. Ask, and it will be given to you; search, and you will find; knock, and the door will be opened for you. For everyone who asks receives, and everyone who searches finds, and for everyone who knocks, the door will be opened. Is there anyone among you who, if your child asks for bread, will give a stone? Or if the child asks for a fish, will give a snake? If you then, who are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good things to those who ask him! In everything do to others as you would have them do to you; for this is the law and the prophets. ~ Matthew 7:1-12

In one of his books, Deepak Chopra has written that “All of us need to believe that we are lovable and we are loved.” I agree. Psychologists suggest that is the one emotion every single person on the planet has in common. Even sociopaths, who cannot or will not love others, long for someone, at least, to love them.

Psychologists report that a large percentage of their clients simply feel “unvalued” (or “unloved”). Being “lovable” is at the heart of a vast number of magazine covers. Perhaps they advertise things that seem simpler—such as how to be well dressed, physically attractive, romantically appealing—but at the core of it is an understanding that people want to be noticed and appreciated (“loved”), and we will pay for a magazine that tells us how. I remember a young man who sat in my office in tears some years ago and said, “I have everything money can buy, and would trade it all just to hear someone say, ‘You are important to me’.”

The longing to be loved is, I think, a universal hunger. So, if that is true, then the question is: How do we do it? How do we become persons who are easy to love?

The Bible offers simple, easy-to-understand answers to questions like that. Whereas neither shallow nor simplistic, the Bible’s advice is not rocket science, either. And that is by intent. Our Book of Faith often provides good, logical, common sense answers to the questions that arise on our daily journeys. “How can I be the sort of person that other people love?” we ask, and Jesus offers the clearest, easiest, simplest answer you will ever hear. You know the text. Your mama quoted it to you before you were old enough to read it for yourself: “Do unto others what you would have them do unto you!” We call it “The Golden Rule,” and it remains the best answer ever given to the question: “How can I make people love me?” “Do unto (them) what you would have them do unto you!” Let’s take few moments and look at how that advice might be applied practically. I could name a hundred different ways, but there isn’t enough time for that. So let’s just look at three.

(1) Listen More Than You Talk.

I heard someone describe most of us as being like a race horse in the starting gate at the Kentucky Derby, anxious to “get started.” We listen to the other person but all the while are anxious to jump in with our story. Some of you may know that feeling. We “hear” the other person, but we fail to really “listen.” Why? Because as they talk, we are formulating what we wish to say, what story we long to tell. It’s like looking at the photos of someone else’s grandkids while fumbling in your wallet to bring out the photos of your own. Anxious race horses in the starting gate at the Kentucky Derby.

Do you want to be lovable? Then resist the temptation to make conversations egocentric. Instead, ask questions about others. Dale Carnegie’s How To Win Friends and Influence People (one of the few books from that era almost as well known as Dr. Peale’s The Power of Positive Thinking) virtually started with the principle of being good, caring, attentive listeners. As a minister friend of mine often says, “God gave us two ears but only one mouth. Pay attention!” Too many of us too often tend to forget that.

Jean Twinge, in The Narcissism Epidemic, writes about a pre-school in Manhattan that designates September as “All About Me Month”! That’s what conversation is to some folks—“all about me.” But life is not all about us to anyone else except us, and if we give people the impression we think it is, then instead of making others love us, it just make them want to run away.

The opposite is of that is: “Let’s talk about you.” You know the sort of phrases that sound like music to other people?

“Tell me more about that.”
“I’d like to hear your opinion.”
“How are you doing—really?”
“What do you think about it?”

If you listen to other people, they will assume you care about them. And if people think you care about them, most of the time they, in turn, will care about you. A wonderful counselor who was on the staff of a church I used to serve said: “My job is not to fix other peoples’ lives. My job is to listen to them supportively and let them know that their lives are worth fixing.”

“Do unto others what you would have them do unto you!” A great way to do that is by being a caring, attentive listener.

(2) Be More Kind Than Critical.

As Christ advised in our morning lesson, “Judge not, that you be not judged.” There are all sorts of ways to interpret that text, but the first is simply to take His words verbatim. You and I almost never possess sufficient data to judge someone else, to critique, to summarily mark them off our list or dismiss them. How many times has someone said something unkind or dismissive about you?

Do you remember this child’s poem? I learned this years ago from the late Bishop Earl Hunt:

We have the nicest garbage man.
He empties out our garbage can.
He’s just as nice as nice can be.
He always stops and talks with me.
My mother doesn’t like his smell,
But then, she doesn’t know him well.

And so it is, you know. We truly almost never possess sufficient data to judge another person, which is no doubt why Jesus said, “Judge not, that you be not judged.” Be more kind than critical. A proven way to win friends and influence people is simply to find something to compliment.

It really is not always important to let the other person know what they did wrong or how you think they could self-improve. Of course, moments do come when we have to critique. As parents, for example, we sometimes have to say, “That is not how we behave in our family.” As employers, we sometimes have to say, “That is not how we do business in this firm.” Even so, when you do have to offer a critique, never forget the fine art of kindness. As the Bible says, “speak the truth in love.”

Tony Dungee, the Super Bowl-winning, recently-retired coach of the Indianapolis Colts, wrote that too many coaches demoralize players who make mistakes. They yell at them, curse them, and humiliate them in front of their teammates and the national television cameras. He said that when one of his players made an error on the field, they would come to the sidelines, head hanging low, and he would simply say,  “Okay, what did you learn from that, and how can you do it better next time?” When you have to offer a critique for other person’s benefit, always, at least, “speak the truth in love.”

Fundamentally, this scripture lesson teaches that we are called always to be more kind than critical. A woman serving a life sentence in prison for murdering her husband was interviewed last Sunday night on The Lifetime Network. She told of growing up physically and verbally abused by her mother. In her case, she said, the verbal abuse created the deeper and more lasting scars. She said that her mother constantly said things like: “You’re stupid. You’re ugly. No one will ever marry you. Who could love someone like you?” And so when she grew up, she went through five marriages, trying to find someone who would love her, trying to prove her mother wrong. But always, down deep, her mother’s tapes kept playing in her head and she assumed the criticism had been correct. So she would subconsciously sabotage every marriage until finally she murdered the fifth husband when he simply mentioned the word “divorce.” She said, “Maybe if Mama had told me I was lovable, I would not have acted that way.”

How do we become the sort of person other people will love? “Do unto others what you would have them do unto you!” And that means always being more kind than critical.

(3) Of course, the natural extension of that is to Learn to Love “In spite of” and not always “Because of.”

That is certainly what we hope others will “do unto us,” isn’t it? In an exchange I overheard in a hallway following a church Board meeting many years ago, one man said to another, “I always feel like you don’t like me, and I have never understood that. Because in all the time we have known each other, you have never once even tried to discover out who I am.” It was a poignant moment, reminding me that I too often do the same thing. Because of something superficial, I close someone else out before even getting to know who they are—and in the process I cheat myself out of the potential for love.

They say that truth is stranger than fiction. I think it is. Here’s a case in point, if ever there was one. I read about a graduate of Ohio State University, a fierce rival to the University of Michigan. Ohio State is a fine institution where one receives a great education (and with it, you would assume, actual wisdom). Well, this young lady announced to her parents one evening at the dinner table that she had broken off her engagement to a boy with whom she was undeniably head-over-heels in love. When she told her parents of the breakup, they asked, “Did he cheat on you? Did he hurt you? Did he stop loving you?” To each question, she answered, “Of course not. He is the finest, most loving person I know.” Then they asked: “Did you stop loving him?” Again she answered, “Of course not. I will always be in love with him.” Totally confused, her mother and father said, “Then we don’t get it. Why on earth are you breaking the engagement?” The young lady replied, “I just don’t think I can bear to grow old with a man who went to the University of Michigan.”

Oh my goodness!

You folks know this as well as I, but it bears repeating: There is very little doubt that if we focus on reasons why other people are not lovable, our circle of love will remain awfully small—and the energy we will give off will keep other people from loving us. If you want to be loved, then don’t be so quick to close people out. “Judge not, that you be not judged!” Learn to love other people “in spite of” and not “because of,” and they, in turn, will do the same with you.

Deepak Chopra was correct when he wrote that “Everyone wants to be loved and lovable.” Jesus tells us how: “Do unto others what you would have them do unto you!” In your willingness to listen…in how you speak…and in your refusal to build walls that shut people out, “do unto others what you would have them do unto you!” And you will never have to wonder if people love you.