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 Matthew 18:21-22
One of the most difficult things we ever face is forgiving somebody who has hurt us deeply. In fact, forgiveness for the big hurts, what I call the big-ticket items, is rare.
One afternoon, I was coming to the church and I passed the big signboard with the sermon titles. There was a woman looking up at that signboard, and as she turned away from it our eyes met. "Are you Dr. Caliandro?" she asked.
"Yes, I am," I answered.
"I see you're preaching on forgiveness Sunday," she said, and then rather dramatically put out her hand. "It's easier to put a million dollars in our hands than it is to forgive."
"Ma'am," I replied, "you are a very insightful woman."
What about us? I believe that each person has at least ten forgiveness issues, and most of them are still pending and unsettled.
We are good at holding onto hurts. We nurse our hurts and give them a very prominent place in the scheme of our lives. We put them right up there on top.
A number of years ago, I was sitting in the barber's chair, listening to my barber talk about his family. My barber was an Italian man named Carlo, who was a very passionate, expressive guy. I always enjoyed being with Carlo. He was telling me a story about a relative of his. He said, "You know, he hasn't talked to his son in fifteen years. Fifteen years! Because when his son and daughter-in-law had a baby they didn't name him after the grandfather."
As Carlo was talking, he was waving his scissors and I was hoping I wouldn't have to forgive him for a puncture. "What a waste," he said. And it was a great waste. But it also is an indicator of the sensitivity and the vulnerability of the human condition.
Contrast that story with that of a woman I know named Paula D'Arcy. I tell her story often, because she has more to forgive than almost anyone I know. A number of years ago, she was with her husband and three-year-old daughter on a highway in Connecticut. On the other side of the highway was a young man who was terribly drunk, driving at a terrific rate of speed. He lost control of his car, crossed the median divider, smashed into the D'Arcys' car and killed Paula's daughter and her husband.
I can't find words to describe what Paula went through. She suffered the devastation and destruction of her life. Along with that was anger, bitterness and the desire for revenge against the young man who had caused this horrific accident, a man who was always without remorse.
But Paula decided she did not want to live her life in the dungeon that we create for ourselves when we are hurt and angry and can't forgive. She began to go to the Bible. She learned how to pray. She read spiritual literature and went to counseling with professionals. She did everything she could. Finally she got to the point where she was able to get back on her feet and overcome a lot of the bitterness, anger and need for revenge. She came to the point where one day she was able to honestly and authentically, to look at the young man - who was still without remorse - and say, "I forgive you." And Paula went on with her life.
And her life really is soaring. She's a gifted writer, captivating speaker and spiritual counselor. She's a force; and the force, I believe, came out of her ability to forgive. After the forgiveness, in a sense, Paula came into her fullness.
I've told you two stories. We could go on and on telling stories to each other about forgiveness. Most of the stories would be about broken dreams, broken hearts, broken lives, destroyed lives. What is forgiveness? It behooves us to know as much as we can about it.
This is what the late Dutch priest Henry Nouwen said about forgiveness:
By not forgiving I chain myself to a desire to get even, thereby losing my freedom.
What a picture! By not forgiving, he is not free any more. He is controlled, commanded by some force which is beyond him.
Frederick Buechner, a theologian, said:
When you forgive someone who has wronged you, you're spared the dismal corrosion of bitterness and wounded pride.
This is a good description of what bitterness and anger do to us. He uses the word "corrosion." A refusal to forgive corrodes the mind, the spirit and the body. It corrodes life. It corrodes relationships.
So what do we do? How can we get out of this? How can we escape these depths, this dungeon? How can we move beyond the captivity that happens when we get hooked on revenge, bitterness and anger?
We must be smart enough and courageous enough to leave that lower level, to leave behind the kind of satisfaction we get from hating. It's no fun, but we must move to the highest place. We must go to our highest mind.
And we must listen to the wisest guides. As far as I'm concerned, the expert on forgiveness is Jesus of Nazareth. He showed forgiveness through word and deed. One day, his disciple Peter asked Him, "Lord, when somebody sins against me, how many times do I forgive him? Seven?" Peter probably he thought he was being pretty generous when he suggested seven times because three times is enough, four times, five times, six times - seven times, my goodness!
And Jesus in effect said to him, "Peter, you don't understand. It's not a quantitative thing. But I will give you a number: seventy-seven times seven." You don't count. It's qualitative. It's a matter of the heart.
Forgiveness is the largesse of a very big love. Jesus forgave His disciples when they let Him down during the toughest hour of His life. He was praying in the Garden of Gethsemane, and He asked his closest friends if they would be with Him for a few moments. They fell asleep three different times. We know how we feel when our friends let us down. But Jesus still forgave them.
Jesus forgave Peter for denying Him, saying he didn't know Him. We know how angry we are when somebody deserts us when we are in need.
Jesus forgave Thomas for doubting Him. Do you know what upset, what alarm, we show when somebody doubts us, doesn't trust us?
Jesus forgave Judas for betraying Him. I don't need to try to say what we do when that happens to us.
Jesus forgave all of the people who were alive and around Him for creating a condition which led to his murder. So often we have trouble with his words from the cross. We argue them, debate them and rationalize them. Jesus said: "Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do." We may say they did know what they were doing. In a sense they did. But in a deeper sense they didn't. But it doesn't make any difference. What matters is the magnificence, the glory of the love which brought Jesus to the place where He could say, "Whatever, whatever, I forgive you."
Jesus refused to be chained to bitterness, to anger or to revenge. I believe that the Resurrection never would have happened if Jesus had gone to the grave needing to forgive. He needed to go there cleansed and pure.
And so what steps do we take to get out of the dungeon of bitterness and unchained from its corrosive power? So often we want to get to the forgiveness place without doing the emotional work, and for big hurts we have to do the emotional work. We've got to go through the process. And it's tough, and it takes time, and it's painful.
Jeanne Safer, a psychologist here in New York, wrote a book called Forgiving and Not Forgiving. She says there are at least three things we need to do.
The first thing you do is to internally re-engage with the pain of the relationship. I understand that to mean that you get into the center of the pain, take every aspect of the suffering and you stay in it for a while.
The next thing you do is recognize what this is doing to you. You recognize how the hurt and the bitterness and the mean-spiritedness has disrupted your life and kept you from progressing.
The third step is to re-interpret, in light of what you've learned, so that you can find ways of moving on. I would even go one step further. I say you look for the presence of the Holy Spirit, and let it be of assistance, because the big-ticket items we cannot solve by ourselves.
Then Dr. Safer tells the story of a friend of hers named Tammy, an actress. For eight years she lived with the love of her life, a photographer. Her career was going much better than his, and so for eight years she was the principal breadwinner. She was happy with that and thought the relationship was a success.
And then she discovered that her boyfriend, for seven of those eight years, had been unfaithful to her and had been carrying on a series of affairs. It devastated her. For the first two months she was in almost a catatonic stupor. She could not function. She was immobilized.
For the next three years she was in tremendous pain. She couldn't move out of it. Then one day she sat with a friend of hers, who said, "Look, you've got to move past this," and really taught her to re-engage, to examine and move through. And I believe that the Spirit helped her here, because of what she was finally able to do. She called her old boyfriend, who had been trying to persuade her to return to him. She suggested they meet at their favorite restaurant, a place she hadn't been able to go near since their breakup.
He was all excited, thinking they were going to get back together again. She was very calm. She used very few words. She told him that she wished him no ill will, that she wanted good for him. But she wanted her freedom from the chains of bitterness that had bound her. She said, "I forgive you. I have no anger. I have no love. I have nothing." And she got up and she walked out of the restaurant.
He came running after her, but she turned and assured him there was nothing left for her to say. She walked on to the next phase of her life.
Later, she described that experience as incredibly liberating. She got free. She released him, and herself.
A while ago, I saw a great show on Broadway, Jane Eyre. You may know the novel Jane Eyre. As a young girl, she was orphaned and raised by an aunt who was mean and harsh. In the midst of this horrible childhood, little Jane Eyre had a mentor who taught her about forgiveness and not to let bitterness destroy her life. When she became a young woman, she worked as a governess for a wealthy man. They fell in love and decided to get married. At the wedding, as she was standing there in her gown, the preacher said, as often happens in weddings, "If there's anybody here who sees any reason why this couple should not be married, please speak up or forever hold your peace." And somebody spoke up. The man was already married.
And then in the Broadway show, Jane sang of forgiveness, and sent the message that she would not let this destroy her; she would not be bound by bitterness; she would forgive.
That is what I want you do today. Do not let old hurts destroy you. Take the high road, and forgive. Let us pray.
For the blessings that you give us, O Lord, and for the gift of forgiveness as You have forgiven us -- and You forgive us every day - Lord, help us. Help us to take the high road, and to forgive and forgive and forgive. AMEN |
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